How can I help my child develop a healthy sense of self-esteem?
By definition, self-esteem is the way in which an individual perceives himself - in other words, his own thoughts and feelings about himself and his ability to achieve in ways that are important to him. This self-esteem is shaped not only by a child's own perceptions and expectations, but also by the perceptions and expectations of significant people in his life - how he is thought of and treated by parents, teachers and friends.
For healthy self-esteem, children need to develop or acquire some or all of the following characteristics:
A sense of security.
Your child must feel secure about himself and his future. ("What will become of me?")
A sense of belonging.
Your youngster needs to feel accepted and loved by others, beginning with the family and then extending to groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, a neighborhood or community.
A sense of purpose.
Your child should have goals that give him purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression.
A sense of personal competence and pride.
Your child should feel confident in his ability to meet the challenges in his life. This sense of personal power evolves from having successful life experiences in solving problems independently, being creative and getting results for his efforts. Setting appropriate expectations, not too low and not too high, is critical to developing competence and confidence.
A sense of trust.
Your child needs to feel trust in you and in himself. Toward this goal, you should keep promises, be supportive and give your child opportunities to be trustworthy. This means believing your child, and treating him as an honest person.
A sense of responsibility.
Give your child a chance to show what he is capable of doing. Allow him to take in tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of "letting go" with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution.
Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give him opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity.
A sense of making real choices and decisions.
Your child will feel empowered and in control of events when he is able to make or influence decisions that he considers important. These choices and decisions need to be appropriate for his age and abilities, and for the family's values.
A sense of self-discipline and self-control.
As your child is striving to achieve and gain more independence, he needs and wants to feel that he can make it on his own. Once you give him expectations, guidelines, and opportunities in which to test himself, he can reflect, reason, problem-solve and consider the consequences of the actions he may choose. This kind of self-awareness is critical for her future growth.
A sense of encouragement, support and reward.
Not only does your child need to achieve, but he also needs positive feedback and recognition - a real message that she is doing well, pleasing others and "making it." Encourage and praise him, not only for achieving a set goal but also for his efforts, and for even small increments of change and improvement. ("I like the way you waited for your turn," "Good try; you're working harder.") Give feedback as soon as possible to reinforce his self-esteem and to help him connect your comments to the activity involved.
A sense of accepting mistakes and failure.
Your child needs to feel comfortable, not defeated, when he makes mistakes or fails. Explain that these hurdles or setbacks are a normal part of living and learning, and that he can learn or benefit from them. Let your supportive, constructive feedback and your recognition of his effort overpower any sense of failure, guilt, or shame she might be feeling, giving him renewed motivation and hope. Again, make your feedback specific ("If you throw the ball like this, it might help.")
- Source
- Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12 (Copyright © 2004 American Academy of Pediatrics)
